Or... Return Of The Fez-Men!
 
...by Emma Jade Gunn Remember Way Back When? Yeah? Remember how you could say stuff about the shape of a car and grown-ups thought you were being naughty and the prim and proper types would pop their eyes, make funny little O shapes with their lips and pretty soon someone would make a comment about "kids these days"??? Yeah? Me, too. Doesn't seem to happen much anymore, what with the current crop of munchkins learning dirty words before they can add 2+2 and experimenting with all kinds of grown-up activities before their permanent teeth come in. Ah, but isn't it fun to relive and reclaim Way Back When? And the best part is if you're old enough and look innocent enough you can get the munchkin brigade to do that O thing with their mouths — their shocked reaction to us "old timers" doing things they thought only young people did. So, in search of a déja vu experience, I cleverly disguised myself as Geezer Granny with some red lipstick, a sun hat of lovely flowers and a pair of sandals over my white bobby socks. Then I headed for the beach where I set about listening for the very first time to The Swiv-O-Matics - Music To Get Lucky By... Or... Return Of The Fez-Men! My objective? Have a great time and see if I could collect a few munchkin O-s! Too Much Lasix - Ah, Stage One of Emma's Master Plan started ever so beautifully. What, what was that song? The Swiv-O-Matics named this song because it was first performed on Lasix. Um, boys, let me get this right. Lasix is a diuretic? Okay, Too Much Lasix is a tribute to horse racing. I get it! It's also a tribute to the Fender Tremolux which is pretty hot. And I got a very big O from a tween boy in a tee, with "Big Dog" printed on it, when my right sandal bounced off of his hip as I tapped along with Swiv's drummer Helmet "Man" Walker. Maybe tweenie wouldn't have been surprised at my foot gyrations had he been able to hear the song but, being incognito, I was listening with earbuds so Big Dog probably thought I had hearing aids and a serious jitter. The Bare Naked Bed Dance - Not going here, kiddies. Nope. Not Emmy. Not. Now. Oh, whipple, why not? "Whee doggie", as Jed Clampett would say. That girl's got some serious bouncing and shimmy and shaking going on as I would say. And that's some song as the audience would say. Kind of, well, like doing dental work on a panther without adequate Novocain. Deliriously dangerous. Big Dog had moved to safer territory so I wiggled all by myself, but I was impressed with the song so not having an audience was okay. Metallic Blue Bikini - The Cafe Swiv menu — which is cleverly disguised as the insert to the Lucky CD — says this song was written for one of Helmet's friends. So, Swivs, you write about everyone but Emma. I see how you are. Uh-huh. Must have been a quick and flashy woman cuz, like, the song is quick and flashy and I like that echoey rumbley ending. Since I don't own any paper panties like The Bare Naked Bed Dance dames and no Metallic Blue Bikini I guess I don't get a song. Big Sigh. I got a raised eyebrow from someone who used to be my brother when I did the Swim in my beach lounger, though. My Plan was progressing nicely. Royal Chicken To Go-Go - This really does sound like a chicken a go-go. Honest. I'm just beside myself. I did a big O! Not kidding. Big, big O! Sooo bad, boys! Numero uno con pollo! I clucked along to Royal Chicken To Go-Go and my cousin threatened to move to Winnemucca. Better than an O, a threat to move is a major coup for Way Back When aficionados. I'm Engaged - Pretty without cloying, energetic without throwing any backs out, and it has a very gratifying ending. Swiv better, better, best. To honor the alleged solemnity of this song, I even behaved myself and temporarily put the Big O Plan on hold. Return Of The Fez-Men - The Swiv-O-Matics say this is part Shriner fight song and part Rocky & Bullwinkle. Hey, I used to have Rocky_Bullwinkle as an email address so does that mean I can wear funny hats and parade around Baltimore? And, and, and ............ can I play this song from a boombox draped across my right shoulder while I march? And, and, and ... can I borrow a few bucks to get myself out of the slammer, too? Once again Baltimore's Big Boys of Surf prove they are second to none! I love yooz guyz! Pigeon Lung - According to the menu, Fried Salt is two bucks at Cafe Swiv and inhaling spores from pigeon droppings can kill you. I'm trying to pinpoint exactly how all of this pertains to Pigeon Lung the song. Was this recorded in December while the Swivs had their tongues stuck to metal light poles? Serious dementia in a cute kind of way. 'Tis gnarlalicious! However, one does not want to holler, "Pigeon Lung!" on a crowded beach. Just take my word for it, okay? Lumbago - This cut was recorded live on "Free Beer and Wanton Nudity" night at a Balto club. Who would have guessed life in Maryland was so amazing? Serious thought: This song is completely frantic and that's a good thing! Vitamin "G" - Ever ready with a double-meaning or two, The Swiv-O-Dudes done good, girlies! "This song is about a girl", the CD insert proclaims. I can honestly say it seems to me Don Juan, as played by Johnny Depp, and that CD Swiv girl could use a song like this one. It grooves — even on a CD — and that's something if you just think how slick the surface of a CD is. Okay, enough of the double-meanings. I promise. Maybe I won't keep that promise, but I promise that I promise to try. Note to those keeping track: Vitamin "G" collected no less than seven O's and, yay me!, most of them weren't family members. Barbara Eden Roc - Yo, Swivs! You have a serious fixation on I Dream of Jeannie, don't you? S'awright, the turnaround in the center of this baby is magic. Not to mention, I have a lingering desire to design a bottle for ya'all to perform in. Rumble - There I reclined on my venerable beach lounger, sipping from a can of real Coke. (You don't listen to the Swiv Dudes and drink that freakin' low cal, low carb garbage. It would be, like, sacrilegious or something.) But I digress, do I not? Anyhoo, there I was, Coke in hand, cap jauntily tilted to the side when Rumble began. Oh, baby, I gyrated and hyperventilated and instigated a chair — okay, a lounger — dance to this raucous version of the Link Wray classic. And, when it was all over, I opened my eyes to see TA DA! a whole row of O-s! There was also a twenty-something in a string bikini with Coca Cola on her belly button ring, but that's another story. Ode To Papa Joe - Classic. As in great guitars, great drums. Ode To Papa Joe made me wish I'd brought my Hula Hoop with me cuz I sure had the urge to swish and sway and swivel my hips. As it turned out, I got two rows of O-s for what I was doing in that beach lounger! Just like Way Back When. Fantasy relived. Thanks, Swivs! God Rest Ye Merry, Gremmies - Boy, wouldn't I love to hear this blasting over the loudspeakers at WalMart during the holidays! I'd buy stuff for Christmas and dance between the smiley face signs, doffing my hat and singing along and it would be cool. And WalMart would get money from me. Are you listening Wally World? Want us to spend like demons? Play God Rest Ye Merry, Gremmies and your tills will runneth over and we won't even care about that vest thing you've got going with the clerks because we'll be so happy we'll be whistling Zippity Doo Dah up and down the crockery aisle. Mr. Lucky - Night club dancing and martinis. This band never ceases to amaze me! Here, as a closing to a great CD, is a song that will surprise everyone with its diverse sound. John Vivyan and the rest of that cool 50's TV cast would've dug the sevens outta this one! Way to go, Swiv-O-Matics! With that, down went the curtain on my Great O Experiment. The Plan was a success. You can embarrass yourself, your family and even complete strangers if properly motivated by The Swiv-O-Matics hyper Balto Surf Sounds. The band is great and that doesn't have a double meaning except maybe, well, okay, they are double great! Anyone got a woody? I need to transport my futon. Emmy
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The Swiv-O-Matics
http://www.swivomatics.com
badgogetterrecords@yahoo.com
Music To Get Lucky By...Or... Return Of The Fez-Men!
© 1998 Bad Go-Getter Records
Reviewed by
Emma Jade Gunn
© Emma Jade Gunn 2004
All Rights Reserved
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